Childhood mistreatment can leave you believing you’re unlovable.

One of the core principles of self-talk therapy is the self is made up of different parts which are often in conflict with each other. You may be successful, accomplished, and confident in certain aspects of your life, while feeling deeply insecure when it comes to friendships and love relationships.

Deep down, there may be a voice saying, “You are getting away with this so far, but you’re gross,” or “You really don’t deserve this person’s love or attention, and they’ll see the truth sooner or later.” You feel the need to hide yourself from others because you so deeply believe there’s just something bad about you.

Even if you don’t explicitly say such things to yourself, you’ll know you have what's known as defectiveness schema if you feel shame. You feel unlovable. Defectiveness is the official schema therapy term, but I call it the “I’m unlovable” schema.

Where Does the Defectiveness Schema Come From?

The belief that you’re unlovable starts in childhood and becomes a burden that you carry into adulthood. The whole time, you’re feeling that it’s a secret truth about you, that you have to hide something shameful. Poor care from parents or caregivers is what leads to defectiveness, but there is a range of how to define poor care, running from bad parenting tone to full-on abuse.

When children are young and utterly dependent on adults for care, they don’t understand bad parenting or abuse—and they need to make sense of why they are being treated poorly. So they often tragically conclude that there must be something defective about themselves.

People with the “unlovable” schema are often born into a family situation where they are not welcome, or made to feel unwelcome in the world. Their parent or parents may have resented them being born, or resented having to care for them and bearing the responsibilities of parenthood. There may be a family or cultural history of contempt for children, with expressions like “children should be seen and not heard.”

Discipline can quickly tip into a tone of contempt, frustration, disappointment, and impatience—a toxic cocktail that leaves the child feeling rejected and unloved, and thinking “There must be something wrong with me.” Parents or caregivers fall into a pattern of resenting the child for having needs and blaming them for it. Worse, when children are physically and/or sexually abused, just the fact of being abused can leave a child feeling a stamp of defectiveness and intense shame.

In adulthood, this schema often reveals itself in your attachment and love relationship history, and in your perspective on the prospect of being loved by friends and romantic partners. How close can you let yourself get? If you add internalized oppression to the mix—such as homophobia, transphobia, or misogyny—your experience of shame likely becomes more pervasive.

The Signs of Defectiveness Schema

1. You avoid getting close to people, finding excuses such as being “too busy” or being “unlucky in love.”

2. You are harshly critical of yourself, find it difficult to see yourself as deserving of love, and have difficulty accepting compliments.

3. You get panicky in situations where people may see the “real you.”

4. You are drawn to people who don’t easily express love or show real interest in you.

5. You are drawn to people who are abusive or who mistreat you, leaving you feeling hopeless about relationships.

6. You’re highly sensitive to situations where you may feel shame, and others are shocked by what they see as your overreaction: "It wasn't that bad!"

How to Start Letting Go of this Schema

Because this schema developed so early in childhood, you may have to cope with the reality that feelings of shame can be triggered, and you just have to tolerate them and keep practicing reality checking as a means of coping. These steps may help:

Study your history. Journal about the likely childhood sources of your defectiveness schema.

Change perspective. Try to look at "Little You" through an objective lens: should any child have been treated this way? How was your childhood experience unfair? Think specifically of how any child in your situation would have deserved better, and consider that it was not your destiny, but rather a misfortune you can move on from.

Write it down. In your daily life, notice when feelings of shame are triggered, and make note of them. Try to take a more neutral view and be kind to yourself.

Boundaries! Focus on developing your skills for managing boundaries in relationships. Because you avoided getting close to others, you may never have had the practice we all need with managing healthy boundaries.

Practice. Learning how to be open to love and vulnerability takes practice. When you feel fear or panic about getting close to people, remember you are in control of your boundaries, and you can take small risks of being vulnerable with someone. Work your way up.

The defectiveness “I’m not lovable” schema has been like a wall around your inner child for most of your life. Try to look at this as a process of showing yourself the care, kindness, attention, time, and compassion you’ve always needed. It’s time.

photo credit: Shutterstock/Vika Hova