Does your relationship have you feeling like there's no room for your feelings?

Imagine saying to your partner something like: “I need you to ask me how my day was more often, or I need you to check in on how my work project is going, or just say you care about me.” If this feels like attention you've been missing, but sounds like it's too far-fetched for you to say, or brings up a great deal of discomfort, you may be feeling emotionally imprisoned. It’s an intense term, but it works: You’re so used to not expressing how you feel, or you may not even know it’s really OK to share your feelings, ever.

You may have grown up with parents who were domineering, demanding, or needed you to take care of them, so it may have felt like your authentic emotions were locked away. Now that you’re an adult, you may still operate in love relationships with the feeling that you are obligated to make the other person happy, which means mostly going along with what they say.

In schema therapy, we call this subjugation schema. It gets triggered anytime you feel an urge to express emotion but feel you have to contain it because it would just be too scary or risky to put into words. You just feel dread. It’s like you may even know what you would say, if you just thought you could, but there’s that terrible bad feeling about it. So you stay silent.

Origins of Subjugation Schema

According to Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, there are two types of subjugation: subjugation based on fear and subjugation based on guilt (Young and Klosko, 1993, p. 263). Both types of subjugation come from childhood experience with difficult parent figures.

Fear-based subjugation comes from having an abusive and/or punitive parent figure who made it clear that if child-you deviated from what the parent wanted or thought, you would be punished. So you have a lot of experience going along with what you are supposed to say or believe, because you were trained to believe there was no other choice.

The result of this is that when you have feelings of your own, it may just trigger that same fear you experienced as a child.

Guilt-based subjugation comes from having a parent figure who did a role reversal and put child-you in the position of being caregiver for them. Perhaps your parent figure had a mental or physical illness that had them living in a dependent way: depressed or incapacitated. And you were given the responsibility of taking care of your parent's health. For a child, such a caretaking role is a boundary violation, in the sense that it burdens a child with a responsibility they aren’t ready for. Kids are busy enough with the work of growing up and maturing emotionally without feeling responsible for an adult’s well-being.

And, so, as an adult, to focus on your own emotional needs may be enough to trigger the guilt you felt as a child.

Also, there are mixtures of guilt and fear-based subjugation. Think of having a parent with an addiction problem, where there may be periods of using or drinking involving abusive behavior, but followed by sober or downtimes full of remorse and apologies to the child: Both fear and guilt are the result for the child.

4 Signs of Subjugation Schema in Adulthood

1. You downplay your own emotional needs, or you may have trouble even knowing what they are, or putting them into words.

2. When you think about your own needs or preferences or feelings, the idea of expressing them makes you feel heavy with guilt (like you are hurting or burdening the other person unfairly) or with fear (burdening others with your own needs will push them to be displeased and leave you).

3. You live with hidden anger, which has you using sarcasm or irony in your tone, thinking angry thoughts, feeling fatigued, avoiding tasks or procrastinating, or using empty words when talking about yourself like “fine” or “OK.” You avoid conflict.

4. You may find yourself drawn to self-involved or narcissistic people. At first, you are drawn to how sure of themselves they are, but, once involved with them, you’re recruited to keep them happy at your own expense.

4 Steps to Overcome Subjugation Schema

1. Connect with your inner child. Take out some photos of yourself from childhood and reflect on what you went through that led to subjugation. You might even write a little story in the third person about what this kid dealt with. Tell your inner child that adult-you is in charge now, and you want to provide more for them, that they deserve more.

2. Start a feelings and needs journal. If you have trouble with awareness of your needs and feelings, take time to ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you need every day. It will take practice to listen with compassion, but you’re worth it.

3. Translate your feelings and needs into spoken words. As you improve with knowing your needs and feelings, start imagining how you would tell others about them. In your journal, put into words what you need from your significant other, friends, or coworkers. It’s good practice.

4. Talk! Start sharing your needs with others, starting with small steps. Work your way up to more challenging issues. Go from what restaurant you feel like, to where you want to go for vacation, to asking your partner to be more attentive to your feelings.

Learn more in my book, Your Coping Skills Aren’t Working: How to Break Free From the Habits That Once Helped You But Now Hold You Back, and subscribe to my newsletter (in the box below) to receive subscriber-only Self Talk Tips.

References

Young, J., Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing Your Life. New York, Plume Penguin Group.

Photo Credits

Shutterstock:  panitanphoto and Mary Long