Common causes of unhealthy boundaries and strategies for changing them.

If you have someone with narcissistic traits in your life, how are you feeling about the relationship? Are you getting your emotional needs met? If you’re unsure, it may help to understand how you relate to narcissistic people and think through how to better manage boundaries. It will also help to know whether you may have any of the schemas common to those who get involved with narcissists.

It’s Complicated… and Simple

There is a lot of confusion about the question of narcissism: is narcissism the same thing as narcissistic personality disorder? How many types of narcissists are there? Is narcissism something from which one can recover?

I agree with Ramani Durvasula on the idea that people can have some narcissistic traits and not have the diagnosis. Also, there are, indeed, people with narcissistic traits—and even a diagnosis—who are trying to overcome these patterns and become better friends and partners. So it’s complicated.

But here’s the simple part: just consider whether you have someone in your life who has narcissistic traits either sometimes, or most of the time, and the following tips should help.

Three Relationship Paths and Their Schemas

There are roughly three styles of relationship with a narcissistic person. Two of them—narcissistic tolerance and the empathy trap—have a particular structure and schemas. I’m calling the third path basically “everyone else,” meaning those people just trying their best to make it work until it doesn’t.

Narcissistic Tolerance

Narcissistic people are exciting to you, and you may find each other useful.

Narcissistic tolerance simply means the ability to tolerate narcissistic people. There isn’t a lot of research on this topic, but two studies offer important insights. One points out that the people most likely to tolerate narcissistic people are other narcissistic people. People with a surplus of self-confidence and grandiosity tend to attract other confident, ambitious people. However, that tolerance, even from other narcissists, only lasts to a point. Another study determined that narcissistic people tolerate other narcissistic people only until they actually have to rely on them or work more closely with them (when they start to be treated poorly). So that tolerance is superficial and drops off over time.

Does this mean that if you have a narcissistic person in your life, you have narcissistic traits? Maybe. Narcissistic traits involve a lack of empathy for others' feelings and needs. But you also may just have a strong ego and ambitions, and you aren’t rattled by grandiose or self-involved people.

Common schemas that lead to narcissistic tolerance include mistrust/abuse (a high tolerance for poor treatment) and emotional inhibition (chronic numbing of emotion).

The Empathy Trap

You over-empathize with narcissistic people and temporarily block awareness of your own needs.

The term “empathy trap” is often used in addiction treatment to refer to the experience of people who enable loved ones with addictions due to the empathy they feel. But it also applies to relationships which enable unhealthy, imbalanced, or abusive treatment. Robin Stern discusses the empathy trap in the context of narcissism in The Gaslight Effect. People who fall into the empathy trap, due to their schemas, turn off their own self-interest in the relationship and focus entirely on the other person’s feelings and needs.

Common schemas leading to the empathy trap include self-sacrifice, subjugation, approval seeking, abandonment, and punitiveness (the voice of the inner-gaslighter). You can learn more about these schemas here.

Everyone Else, or “So Far, So Good!”

You’re still charmed or have a superficial relationship with a narcissistic person, but your relationship hasn’t been through the “stress test.”

It may be that you are able to maintain a more superficial relationship with a narcissistic person: you don’t see each other much, you don’t rely on them, and you stay in a “charm” stage as a result. In more casual career and personal settings, this can work.

As long as a narcissistic person finds a relationship with you helpful, it works for them, and actually may work for you. You may also be seeing the narcissistic person as useful, or part of a larger purpose for yourself, which means you don’t really have emotional needs going unattended in this relationship. So, no harm, no foul.

But if larger stressors occur, the relationship may call for more than it can deliver. According to Durvasula (p. 263) the “stress test” can involve both positive and negative events, big and small, like a wedding, or just a letter of recommendation. Then, it’s best to watch out for being disappointed or experiencing a surprising lack of empathy or concern on the part of the narcissistic person.

Making Healthy Changes

The key to managing your relationship with a narcissistic person is to get to know what motivates each of you to be in the relationship, and how you experience your emotional needs. Journal your answers to these three questions:

1. For you, what are positive aspects of this relationship?

2. How is this relationship problematic for you?

3. What emotional needs go unmet for you in this relationship?

Now, think about making changes in the relationship around your needs:

Manage expectations. Can you let go of any expectations for emotional fulfillment and work with something more superficial?

Less contact. Can you limit seeing this person to only the situations that aren’t difficult for you? This may involve more structured time, when it’s easier to leave.

Express your needs. This is a tough one. Depending on how deep the narcissistic traits are, telling them you need more from the relationship could lead to a conflict. If it does, avoid engaging, as it’s unlikely to help. Also, if just thinking about this step makes you feel dread or anxiety, then you may already have your answer.

Estrangement. This may sound drastic, but it’s important to have in mind as an option. Whether you call it a "friend break-up" or "ghosting," you may need to do a cost and benefit analysis of staying in the relationship. WNYC has an excellent podcast on the topic here.

Photo credits: Shutterstock: SpaceStudio

References

Adams, et al. “I only like the idea of you: Narcissists tolerate others’ narcissistic traits but not their corresponding behaviors.” Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 82, August 2015, Pages 232-236

Burton, et al. “You remind me of someone awesome: Narcissistic tolerance is driven by perceived similarity.” Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 104, January 2017, Pages 499-503

Durvasula, Ramani (2021). Don’t You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Stern, Robin (2018). The Gaslight Effect. Harmony Books